Last Friday, I met with my support group made up of moms. We also have a counseling psychologist in the group (Maria) and even though she is not a parent of a special-needs child, she is spending time with us out of her kind heart so that our meetings will be more fruitful. Besides, I don't think a few hours of trying to console one another is productive, I don't want it to be just a crying session. It's good to have someone who can actually take a step back and steer us in the right direction.
The assignment given to us last August was to keep a journal to take write about our feelings for the day. The group was very open and each of us had our own story to tell. I appreciate everyone's honesty and for placing me in this circle of trust.
When it was my turn to read my entry, I shared with them my experience during Javier's first day of school in the mainstream kindergarten. How bad I felt when Javier was doing all the wrong things and how much I needed to explain his behaviour to his teacher.
I also shared to them about my misguided take on 'acceptance' -- that I am scared about the bad things that come with it. For example, when some people accept their weight problem, they will just be resigned to the fact and not do anything about it. Another scary thing about acceptance is the bad things that go with it. As soon as I have accepted my son's autism, does that mean I will not push him to do his best anymore? Does that mean, I have to be wary in taking a step forward because it might stress him and god knows, he will regress? Of course the way I have been thinking is wrong, as our psychologist pointed out. Acceptance means acknowledging the 'limited' capabilities of my child and dreaming within that space. I am still having an argument with myself over this because a part of me will not rest if I do not explore the whole ground.
Lastly, Maria reminded us to stay on the same page as our children. (I think this answers my question as to whether I need to push him to the farthest point that he can reach). Where his farthest point is, I do not know yet. When Javier is ready, he will let me know.
Lead, kindly light amidst the encircling gloom, lead thou me on. The night is dark, and I am far away from home...
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