Disbelief

A month ago, I was praying for Thing 1 and Thing 2 to happen. Guess what, it didn't push through. In two terse and cold sentences, I  was informed that it had been rejected. No explanations, nothing said further. The cold fact punctuated with a single full stop as if to further emphasize its finality. It was the saddest thing to know after a long day. I felt like crying, knowing that we badly needed these things to happen. But since they didn't happen, I want to punch someone in the face.

They always say, if things don't happen, then God must have a special purpose.  What purpose? I don't understand why I am being deprived of 'miracles'... Why, why, why.

When I learned of my son's diagnosis, the very essence of my religious and spiritual foundations were shaken. I still cannot bring myself to prayer without first asking myself if this effort will indeed enlighten me spiritually or will bring me closer to God. If I ask God for a miracle, will he even listen? Sometimes I think hope is a cruel thing, because you might be hoping for something that will never happen.