Up, down and down again

I've been feeling bad lately. I have been losing sleep thinking of what will happen to my son. And today, I spent lunchtime eating alone and crying to myself while I was thinking of Javier's future. You can tell that as much as I have convinced myself that I have accepted his diagnosis, I am still going through the painful process of thoroughly accepting his condition. I have been able to function at work -- able to deliver my lectures without a hitch, my students' evaluations of my teaching remain to be positive and I am still able to deliver my other duties. I am thankful for the 'busy-ness', I believe it is saving me from falling into utter depression.

The past weekend, I kept myself busy with my small baking experiments - artisan bread, grissini (italian breadsticks), banana muffins and peanut butter cookies. The money I usually spend on clothes and shoes are now being spent on baking "therapy." I find myself going back to the grocery to shop for butter, flour and other food items. I go home realizing that I still have these items at home, it's just that I needed to go to the grocery to 'soothe' myself with the sight of fresh produce, succulent cold cuts and perfectly wrapped confectioneries. I am glad my retail therapy comes from groceries and not from luxury shops, else I'll be bankrupt and wouldn't have money for anything else. The world economy is not looking good and god knows where everyone will be in the next few years, so we should all save for the rainy days. Can the headlines stop being too depressing, please? 

Javier is now on his second week at his intervention centre. People have been asking me if he has already improved or not. I don't know how to answer them. It's been only a few days, how can I know? All I know is that he looks forward to going to Kids Cove and that he knows that his teacher's name is Teacher Gigi.

At home, he's been eating well. We've been gradually decreasing his milk intake so he can have a better appetite. So far, so good.  He's mainly the reason why I've been baking. I've been buying a lot of ready-made snacks and I don't even know what preservatives or chemicals go in them!

I also made-up a new game which he enjoys. He has memorized the names of the MRT stations, and since he loves riding the train, I invented a train game.

Version 1 of the game is when I make use of his Thomas the tank engine toy and while making the train go round and round his playmat, we would take turns reciting the different train stations. Version 2 of the game is when we would be the trains ourselves and we would go round and round the dining table reciting the different stations.

It's interesting how he has taken a liking to this game and how he actually played with me. A few hours after we played, he looked at me again and said, "Mama, I want to play train station with you!" I wish his occupational therapist witnessed this! The mother in me made up a newspaper headline in my head: "Autistic child finally engages in active social play!!!" Yes, with the triple exclamation marks included.

It's 1:42 pm now and I've been writing this post for the past 30 minutes. Strange how I feel slightly better now. Thank you for bearing with me.